muted

found this in an old notebook.

new pictures.

holy shit. a major wire character just got blastededed to death.

it did feel kinda weird to not go out tonight to celebrate kim's 30th birthday. she told me i was more than welcome to join everyone but i said "hell no." the hell was one of those long, stretched out ones where you imply that the person to whom you're saying it must be crazy. i don't know how to write a stretched out "hell" without it looking like a stretched out "heel," though.

either way, i can't imagine a more awkward, esteem-crushing 3-5 hrs.

"look at how much we're not gonna miss you when you're gone. hahahahahaha!! you haven't even left yet and we're already over you!!! woohooo!!! cheers!!!"

clink. so-co and lime down the hatches.

yeah...(hell) no thanks.

moranis

i stayed up all night for the first time since the last time i saw khoa (summer of 2002). it was amAzing to laugh and talk and enjoy randomness. having a local ally is priceless.

my favorite moment of the drew&stevestayawakeathon came sunday afternoon. i suggested that drew put jack's oven mitts on his feet, over his socks. he embraced the suggestion and we soon discovered that feet + oven mitts = funky flippers, son. that discovery inspired much laughter but it turned out that we were only getting started as far as laughing was concerned.

drew decided he should attempt a handplant in the kitchen by the open windows. as he crashed onto his face, one of his feet kicked an oven mitt to the outside world. i haven't laughed so furiously at and with someone in a long time. since it took us a few minutes of hanging our heads out the windows to locate the missing oven mitt the intensity of the laughter grew. we couldn't believe our eyes when i finally located the rogue hand protector lodged between two fences (one chain link, one wooden) separated by a foot at most.

i wish i had the pictures but i took them on drew's camera.

fun.

* * *

1.When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you said?
"You're so fucking ugly."

2. When is the next time you will make out?
Not funny.

3. What's a word that rhymes with "LUCK"?
Yuck.

4. What's your favorite planet?
Gaujulus IV

5. Who's the 2nd person on your missed calls list?
Ilona The Russian Lady Fox

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
Vibrate

7. Who told you he/she loved you last?
Ma Dukes

8. Last furry thing you touched?
No idea

9. How many drugs have you done in the past 3 days?
the usual + one

10. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
None that I know of

11. What is your favorite age so far?
20

12. Hats or beanies?
Hats

13. Your worst enemy?
I could name a couple ;)

14. What is your current desktop picture?
A picture I took two weekends ago underneath the Bourne Bridge

15. What is the last thing you said to someone?
"Nice"

16. Do you like somebody?
Nope

17. Last song you listened to?
It was probably "California Uber Alles" by the Dead Kennedy's. Drew had it blasting as he, Jack, and I pulled onto my street.

18. The last person you spoke to on the phone?
Ma Dukes

19. Do you do the games in the ads on myspace?
The what?

20. What are your favorite PJs?
Harry and the Hendersons throwbacks

21. What do you do when you pass graveyards?
Take pictures

22. Have you ever seen a shooting star?
Not sure

23. How old do you think you'll live to be?
31 maybe

24. Song lyrics stuck in your head?
"California...Uber Alles..."

25. List five things you want to do in your lifetime?
Good question

26. What do you put on your hamburgers?
Chicken

27. Do you eat raw hot dogs?
I have but I wouldn't say it's a defining characteristic of mine.

28. Do you like sushi?
I've never tried it.

29. How much salad dressing do you put on your salad?
Always too much.

30. In two words, explain what ended your last relationship?
New York.

31. When was the last time you shaved anything?
I shaved my face this morning.

32. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.?
Telling myself it was time to get out of bed.

33. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Reading Erica's bulletins.

34. Are you any good at math?
Pretty good, yo.

35. Your prom night?
Didn't go.

36. Do you have any famous ancestors?
No.

37. Have you ever taken out a loan to pay for school?
Yup.

38. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?
Hope so.

39. Last thing received in the mail?
Bills

40. How many different beverages have you drank today?
1 - Mt. Dew

41. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machines?
I leave the best messages ever. Not lately, though.

42. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to?
Free Green Day Concert at the Hatch Shell in Boston in 1994/5 that ended in a riot. I got kicked in the head from behind by the doc marten of a 12 year old crowd-surfing female.

43. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
No.

44. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had?
Getting a cavity fixed, I guess.

45. What is out your back door?
Poops.

46. Any plans for Friday night?
Of course not.

47. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
I tend to keep my hair away from the ocean.

48. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different kinds of popcorn for Christmas?
Yes

49. Have you ever been to a planetarium?
Yes

50. Do you re-use towels after you shower?
Yes

51. Some things you are excited about?
Putting this period of my life behind me ASAP. That's about it.

52. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?
Red

53. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
No

54. Describe your keychain.
A silver donut on a major diet.

55. Where do you keep your change?
In a jar

56. When was the last time you spoke in front of a GROUP?
Probably as a college Stats TA

57. What kind of winter coat do you have?
Beige and imported from Old Navy.

58. What was the weather like on your graduation day?
Both HS and UMass graduation were over in a flash. All I know is that it didn't rain on either day.

59. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
Closed, I guess.

60. How do you feel about the #60?
Time would be weird without it.

love this kid.

aka bruce williesless.

the willies

i had a strange nightmare last night which didn't involve monsters or bombs or me in just my underwear. it was much worse than that. the people i used to hang out with down here were all pointing at me and saying things like "look at that asshole!" before high-fiving their shiny new boyfriends and doubling over in laughter.

scARY!

[picture that will forever give me the willies used without permission]

"i've gone all this fucking way
to wind up back at,
back at the start."

i love this performance of "love is not enough" so much. it was taken off of the "beside you in time" dvd. i brought it with me to the cape and watched it with mark. i forgot how much i missed bonding over music like that with him. thanks, mark.

gray means...what, exactly?

when this phase of my life has been put into the past, i imagine i might get some questions as to what it was like for me.

"so, steve...how did you deal with all of that?"

"nine inch nails, yo. lots and lots of nine inch nails."

yeah, pretty lame. anyway...

here is the song that i listened to in my car in the parking lot after therapy last weekend. the chorus gets me every time.

- right where it belongs

here is a song from the new album, year zero. i like to listen to my music really loudly and i've always wondered if it can be heard outside of my car. i was blasting this song yesterday as i rolled through hempstead and my mirrors were going beserk due to all the bass. while i was stopped at a red light, two mexican dudes walked by to my right. they looked back at me, smiling and pointing. i think they could hear! i smiled back at them. cool moment.

- me, i'm not

fuzzy hotness

this website came up in therapy tonight. as i tried to explain my motivation for it, i discovered that i really don't have a clear one. i have, on occasion, given thought to deleting this blog and over the past few days i've done a lot of second-guessing as far as it's concerned. i even told martha this afternoon that i was considering getting rid of it. she told me i shouldn't.

i can't describe how awesome it was to come home tonight to erica's comment on my myspace page. erica is the first friend i made after high school. when i was a freshman at umass, she was a sophomore and dating johnnie. she took me under her wing and was instrumental in helping me through my rough adjustment to college. i will always be grateful for that. thank you, erica.

* * *

hot fuzz was quite an amazing movie. lots of laughs and blood and bullets. thanks for checking it out with me, drew. good times.

lajd.

* * *

a little background:

m-dawg (not his real name, believe it or not) is a romanian colleague who has spent the month in our ny offices. he has an amazing voice that makes him sound like a james bond movie villain.

patrick was my partner in crime for the "team henry" pizza run.

[11:43] sravesi0312: is bill teaching m-dawg some new tricks?
[11:44] patrick: sounds like it
[11:44] patrick: m-dawg only has one day left
[11:44] sravesi0312: :(
[11:44] patrick: are you saddened by that
[11:44] sravesi0312: i wish i'd been secretly recording his voice so that i could play the tape back whenever i get sad
[11:45] patrick: nice
[11:45] sravesi0312: and here comes the new guy
[11:45] sravesi0312: "do we use....computers?"
[11:45] patrick: wait what new guy
[11:45] sravesi0312: some new authoring manager or something
[11:46] patrick: is he american?
[11:46] sravesi0312: yes
[11:46] patrick: I hope he is as good as the Wenzel
[11:47] sravesi0312: lots to live up to. god these italics are killing me
[11:47] patrick: why are you in italics
[11:48] sravesi0312: hideo nomo came to me in a dream last night and said "i'll throw strikes, you type in italics" and he was all gung-ho about it so i agreed
[11:48] patrick: ah it all makes sense now
[11:51] sravesi0312: international authoring fight!!!!
[11:51] patrick: I got 5 on bill
[11:51] sravesi0312: don't sleep on m-dawg

trash

being here makes me so anxious. i've never felt anxiety like this. finding peaceful thoughts seems impossible.

i know kim's post-me life will go on but it's very weird to be here watching as that happens. every time she mentions all the things she has done, is doing and will do with people i absolutely hate now i feel a sharp pain between my ears.

"you gotta get outta here as fast as you can and not look back for as long as you can. run. run. run!!!"

that's what i keep telling myself.

finding a way to make the getting outta here part a reality only adds to my anxiety. moving to NY without having a job lined up was a horrible experience that i never want to repeat. therefore, i need to find a MA job before i move. so far i've had no luck with any of the MA jobs to which i've applied. explaining my situation in cover letters hasn't helped. maybe i need to change the address and telephone number on my resume. but which MA address/number do i use? i guess i could use the canton address/phone number but i haven't told my mom about any of this yet because i don't want her to assume i'm moving home. and if i get any calls, the person receiving them will have to lie for me before calling me and giving me the message. i'm not worth that hassle.

and...if i do somehow find a job in MA, then i need to focus on finding a place to live. jesus.

anxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxiety
anxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxiety
anxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxiety
anxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxietyanxiety

the least headache inducing option as far as getting myself out of my present situation is staying on LI, i suppose. all i'd need to find is a new place to live. but there's really nothing here to hold on to anymore (this island is a constant reminder of broken relationships) so i don't see what good would come in the long run by me staying.

my brain is absolute mush right now.

and my heart...well, i couldn't even describe him if you put a thesaurus in front of me and spotted me the first four adjectives.

when i went to bed last night, i took the cushions off of the back of the couch so that i wouldn't sweat to death. as i curled up in the spot the cushions had vacated i thought to myself

"this really is no way to live. how did i become a piece of trash that missed the garbage can and is now stuck floating in the breeze?"

dirty ernie & the yucky ducky

adam was not home when i visited the cape this weekend. i'm not sure if it was a conscious effort on our part to mess with him a little bit. it may have just happened. nah...

it started out innocently enough. mark followed me into adam's room and found me standing before his open closet.

"hey mark! you should put one of adam's shirts on!"

"no way man. i'll stretch it out."

"that's the point, man! come on, do it!"

after some laughing and hemming and hawing, mark pulled out a sexy peachish number and squeezed himself into it.

"awesome!"

"he's gonna kill me dude."















mark paraded around the living room in adam's shirt for a bit before he decided he should return it to its hanger.

"you should put something nasty in one of the sleeves...the one that faces away from the closet opening. maybe some old socks or something."

mark did me one better.

"hey man, check it out," he said laughing as he returned from his room. he pulled a pair of ernie underwear from the chosen sleeve victim. "they've got front....they've got back. residoo-doo."

"oh my god, man! you gave him the 'dirty ernies!'"

"hell yeah. he's gonna be SO MAD."

"i can't believe you gave him the 'dirty ernies!' i wish i could be there when he finds them! he's gonna pull the shirt out and try to stick his arm in the sleeve and be all 'ewwwww. what the hell is this?!' hahahahahahahahaha!"

"i'm gonna say 'what?! i don't even have ernie underwear!"

"nice!"

once the dirty ernied shirt was returned to adam's closet, we left him alone...for a bit. eventually we found ourselves on adam's side of the computer playing a game with his internet browser.

"okay, man. you try typing in a random website name and if it's a real website, you get a point. "

"sounds good to me."

we filled up adam's drop down internet address box with the craziest website address names. only one of them ended up being a real website.

www.dirtyernie.com
















i was quite surprised that www.idrinkpeepee.com is not a real website.

there are people into that stuff, right?

the last thing we did was put a plate with a yucky ducky on adam's bed. it sat next to his pillow whose case contained an empty 2 liter mountain dew bottle.

















* * *

ok, so i just clicked the peepee link and apparently, it's a real website now. i swear to don henley (i.e. god of all gods) that it was not a website saturday night.

granted

oops ;)

tl

rebourne.

"thanks for making me laugh, guys. i gotta drive home now."

"nah, man. you gotta drive to new york."

"ha. nice."

happy birthday martha!!!!

may 30 be your personal best year to date!!!!

this picture was taken by tom on my camera. he said "steve, can i use that for a second?" after he snapped this amazingness, he showed it to me and said "that's my wife."

he was so proud.

happy holidays.

there's something amazingly cliche about me driving around yesterday while trent reznor screamed these phrases (and many more) into my face:

"wish there was something real. wish there was something true...in this world full of you."

"gave up trying to figure it out cuz it doesn't matter anymore."

"this isn't meant to last. this is...for....right...now."

"how does it FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

yeah, cliche as all hell but i really don't give a fuck.

* * *

i got a card from my mom in the mail yesterday. it was very nice to be taken out of long island for the 4 seconds it took to read. she really is the best.

"i'm not trying to make you feel bad, but i really miss your smiley face."

me too, yo. me too.

you know what i just realized?

fuck each and every last one of you.

overdrive

maybe my mind is racing because i don't want to spend too much time with any one thought. this pace does get tiresome after a while, that's for sure.

goodbye, sweet friend.

we met at fidelity
and our relationship
spanned notebooks.
he will be missed.

duet

last night i was standing outside carlito's doing what i did 33 times yesterday. as i stared down the street and wondered if i'd ever come to the city again once the night was over, a man walked up to me and asked how #20something was treating me. i told him that i couldn't complain and he enthusiastically replied "yeah, i've learned that they're pretty awesome after a couple of beers." "must be a rookie," i said to myself.

"this place is pretty cool. i like how it's set up."

"yeah, me too," i said.

"it's not as cool as that place over there, though." he laughed as he pointed to a rundown trailer behind a busted-ass fence across the street.

"shit! i hadn't even noticed that. daaaaamn."

after a few more minutes of shit-shooting, another man joined us. he was carrying a classical guitar.

"you see that chick over there in the scarf?" he asked.

"yeah."

"she wants me."

"oh cool." i was honestly kinda happy for him.

"she just doesn't know it yet." he laughed and turned his attention to the guitar.

he started playing a song and within seconds, the first guy was singing along. it absolutely blew my mind. i had no idea what song they were playing nor whether these two people had ever met prior to this performance.

when they were finished making my head feel goodfunny, the first guy asked us if we knew "that song...'1965?'"

"it's a heavy metal song. you know the one. who sings it?"

"white zombie?" i suggested.

"yes! well it's so easy. look."

he began strumming ferociously.

"see?"

"yeah." i lied, but only because i don't know enough about guitar.

"i think that song was actually written on a classical guitar," i offered, trying to be funny. nobody laughed so i felt kinda dumb. oh well.

the second guy left with the guitar. the first guy and i talked for a few more minutes before he said "nice talking with you" and headed back into carlito's. i remained on the sidewalk, began #20something+1 and thought "yeah, that was pretty cool."

* * *

the number 33 came into play twice last night. matt, clarence and i took the 6 train from 33rd street...i think. i could definitely be wrong about that but every pillar at the subway station had a "33" written on it and i think that is supposed to mean something. it sucked that i remembered taking the same exact walk to wherever we were from penn as part of my one and only journey to "other music."

* * *

last night i had a dream that nicole richie and i set up a date for dinner at a restaurant...in a mall. for some reason, the mall part really stood out to me both in the dream and after waking. i also dreamt that i had set up another date for a few days later with someone i know but i don't remember who.

when i told kim about the nicole richie part of the dream (which, by the way, makes even less sense to me than it does to you), i said

"dinner with ni-ri (knee-ree) at a restaurant...in a mall doesn't sound like an expensive date."

she laughed.

carlito

it was great to see drew last night. the art he chose to display was truly amazing and the way he displayed it was perfect. on top of such awesomeness, i cannot even describe what it was like to watch/hear him dj. this may sound corny, but i was extremely proud of him. the hug he gave me when i arrived (first hug ever) made it obvious that he was glad i came...and that he was smack dab in the middle of a night of heavy drinking :)

"i'm surprised you made it," he said after clinking his glass to my beer. "when i spoke to you on the phone, you didn't sound like you were up for it."

"yeah, i had a bad day."

* * *

yesterday was a rollercoaster of anxiety, sadness, random awesomeness (sisterhood of the traveling pants and chicken facts with kim, drew's art/music), confusion and hopelessness capped off by lonely rides on the train that reminds me of a very specific period in my life. therefore, i was definitely not prepared for the snippet of music i heard when i got into kim's car this afternoon to go and pick up lunch.

"awesome!! morrissey!!" i turned the stereo off as quickly as i could. my music experiment last week was a failure (tunelessness has been reinstated) and that was surely the last 1.2 seconds of a song i needed to hear right now.

this is going to be much harder than i thought.

mystery solved

i just learned that last year, i ate 88.2 lbs of this dude and his buddies.

yum!

12/24/2005.

got no pictures (cause i'm at work)

i've been listening to a little bit of music over the past two days with varying results. last night i checked out an explosions in the sky album for the first time. their songs are instrumentals so i figured there'd be less of a chance they'd make me sad since there were no words to trigger thoughts or memories. unfortunately, the songs do, at times, sound like a movie score and listening to them made my thoughts and sadness feel more intense. eventually, i broke down in front of the computer. and then on the porch. and then on the inside stairs. maybe it was because it was late and kim had already gone to bed and all i had left to look forward to was curling up on the couch and calling it a day. i thought loooooooong and hard about walking to the train station and calling it more than just a day.

it's kind of funny that the particular album i was listening to was titled "the earth is not a cold dead place." fuck you, explosions in the sky! it sure as hell feels cold and dead.

i didn't fall asleep until after 1 this morning. i didn't wake up until 8:50. oops. when i finally made it to my car at around 9:15, i decided that i'd give its speakers a workout for the first time in 10 days. last friday at lunch i bought modest mouse's "the lonesome crowded west" but still hadn't listened to it. it felt weird to turn it on and blast the volume. hearing isaac brock sing "so long, farewell, goodbye" as i sat at the light at hempstead avenue next to the frownhouse was definitely surreal.

i guess my favorite line of the morning was:

"i'm on my way to god don't know
my brain's the burger
my heart's the coal."

isaac is so lovably weird.

12/28/2006.

12/20/2005.

1/5/2006.

8/20/2004.

10/9/2004.

1/20/2005.

unknown.

8/9/2004.

11/30/2004.

11/1/2004.

state of the onions

when i post a picture, i either know exactly which picture i'm posting or i look through them until i find one that feels right. as an experiment, i'm going to try to post the most random pictures for a while. i'm going to look only at the pictures i've never considered posting before today. might be interesting.

if my camera ain't shittin' me, this one was taken 1/15/2005.

"move back, motherfucker"

"it was nice to come home and hear music playing."

"yeah...onyx, yo."

onyx reminded me of high school.

high school is safe from this.

zzzzz

i wish i hadn't remembered the first time i saw the ashland apartment right before bed. going to bed nowadays is sad enough as it is.

life.

i just saw two birds have a ferocious argument while sitting on a wire. this was like the bird version of bill o'reilly vs. geraldo rivera. then, one of the birds flew down to my lawn and started pecking at an oversized acorn. earlier, i had scared a squirrel who didn't see me as he ran towards the porch with that acorn in his mouth. after a split-second pause, he dropped the acorn and ran away. as billybird or geraldobird pecked at what he'd left behind, an across-the-street neighbor ran with his dog in the front yard. i decided i had to scare the bird from the acorn, too. so i did.

i mean, it really belonged to the squirrel.

life.

"feel free to take my car for a spin, too."

i awoke on a foreign couch this morning and was greeted by anxiety. i felt like i needed to remember every moment from the previous night because it truly was amazing to laugh and make people laugh again. it made me feel a little less worthless than i've been feeling lately. the morning anxiety sucked, though. i was afraid i wouldn't remember little pieces that i wanted to remember forever and capturing them all in a notebook seemed so daunting.

on the heels of such a randomly amazing evening, emily left us with this nugget.

"hmmm. where are my keys?"

"hey em! they're not in the kitchen!"

"thanks, steve. oh, found 'em. wait, those are tony's. damn."

"did you check your bed?"

"i often leave them there. but no, not this time. what jeans did i wear last night? wait, maybe they're in my jacket. nope. hmmm. they could be in the door still. i've done that before. let me check. YUP!"

laughs all around.